woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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