and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
