Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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