Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
