I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
