So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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