Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
