At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
