6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
