she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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