drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
