Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
