Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
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I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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