Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
