he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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