Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
