This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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