Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
