I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
