don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
