I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
