i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
