I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Randomize
