the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
