U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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