this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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