Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I need help removing her.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
