if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
When did angry sex become our thing?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
