So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just gargled with NyQuil
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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