Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
