I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Randomize
