In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
