I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.