I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.