He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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