Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
