I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
We have so much sex to catch up on
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
