just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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