While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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