Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
