What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
