so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
