I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
wow bdsm is so cute
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
