I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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