too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
