You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
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I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
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I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.