Swine flu. Run for my life!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
