Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
