I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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