i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
