After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
