I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
