the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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