she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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