I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
