We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
