apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
