Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
